Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Updated)

Let's start this morning's festivities with a little pop quiz.  Who do we think had the more "disappointing" Sunday:

1. Bubba Watson
2. Rory McIlroy
3. Peyton Manning
4. Philip Seymour Hoffman

OK, that was completely tasteless and uncalled for (and I'll no doubt be hearing from the Bride), but that was a train wreck of a Sunday, no?  The strike-out above is a result of the Bride's concurrence with my tasteless and uncalled for assessment.

Let's take them in the order in which they occurred, beginning in the Middle East.  When last we checked in, Stephen Gallacher had shot an unconscious back-nine 28 (nine under Par of 37, ten under for his last ten holes) and seized a two-shot lead over the former World No. 1.  Surely the world would regress to the mean, order would be restored and Rory would reassert his dominance.

Or not.  Bob Harig with the game story at ESPN Golf:

With an excellent chance to win one of the European Tour's biggest tournaments, McIlroy made a mess of things at Emirates Golf Club, falling from a tie for the lead with seven holes to go to a tie for ninth, 4 strokes back of winner Stephen Gallacher at the Omega Dubai Desert Classic.

"Yeah, a frustrating day," McIlroy said. "The course played so much more differently than the last couple of days. The greens were a little firmer. I actually played the front nine [and] I felt pretty solid. And then … two bogeys on the par-5s on the back nine were not what I was looking for … I didn't get the ball close, didn't make any putts."

Last we heard from our dear friend Elsie, a/k/a The Scottish Housewife, she was bemoaning the lack of television coverage of countryman Russell Knox at the Hope Humana.  One assumes there is joy in Strathpeffer today....

But as Shackelford points out, Harig buried the lede, making us read deep into the piece for the relevant gem:

Wozniacki met him inside the ropes at the 10th hole -- a rather bizarre development to occur during the course of a sporting event, and she followed him for most of the tournament. He then bogeyed the par-5 hole, one of the easiest on the course.

Caroline seems to be having difficulty grasping the purpose of those ropes.... but don't despair, as it provides Shackelford the opportunity to recycle this classic of the genre from the 2012 Deutsche Bank:

Caption contest anyone?  Seriously, Caroline, didn't Mom teach you the virtues of playing hard to get?  First time in my life I've been envious of a tee marker... I'll be here all week folks, and please be sure to tip your waitress.

 Before we move on to the other desert meltdown, all credit to Gallacher for holding it together after a dreadful start to shoot a 4-under 33 on the back nine (that's 13 under for the weekend on the back nine) to defend his title.  It vaults him to within the top 50 in the world rankings, opening spots in the upcoming WGC events.  He's also hopeful of making the European Ryder Cup team, during which he could, if he so chose, sleep in his own bed.

Argentine Emiliano Grillo finished in solo second, by virtue of a most fortunate eagle at the Par 5 18th.  I'm unable to find any video of his second shot, but it is reported to have bounced off the roof of a pavilion onto the green, and he took advantage by dropping the bomb.  The putt is included in this Tour Highlights Package but, alas, not the fortuitous ricochet.  

Now travel with me to the Arizona desert for a great reenactment of the Bataan Death March, starring Bubba Watson and Kevin Stadler.  Bubba had been ranting for days about the pace of play, per this Bailey Mosier piece:

“I don’t know if you know, but the PGA Tour plays slow. I don’t know if anybody has heard that before,” Watson deadpanned after a second-round 66 that left him tied for the 36-hole lead. The following day, after a five-hour, eight-minute round, Watson’s news conference comments included “We need to be under five hours tomorrow. I want to watch the Super Bowl. I want to get ready for the Super Bowl. Who cares about the golf? Under five hours tomorrow, boys. That’s not going to happen.” Later in the same interview, Watson said curing slow play “is not going to happen overnight. It just takes time; by that time I’ll be on the Champions Tour.”

In terms of making the Super Bowl kickoff, let's hang the Mission Accomplished banner.  No need to put an actual stroke on that 5-footer to get in the playoff... But it was the Par 5 13th that had me thinking I was watching the Memorial Day mixed event at Willow Ridge.  After Bubba rinsed his tee shot, Stadler showed his innate sense of fair play by dunking his second shot in the agua, leaving a 4-iron a mere 40 yards short of his target.  Bubba then attempted  respond in kind but clearly miscalculated, as his third comfortably carried the water by inches... To be fair (Ed: Why start now?) they did both salvage their pars, but even so...

As for the winner, spawn of the Walrus, this first win was a long time coming.  It does set up a first ever father-son entry in the Masters, so we have that going for us.  It's probably for the best that he got this win before the anchoring ban kicks in, because I don't see him as most likely to succeed with a conventional putter.  As the announcers were all over, he's a Bizarro World anchorer, a great lag putter but highly suspect on the short ones.  

A couple of final notes on the Stadlers.  First, do click through on the Walrus link and beat the Christmas rush for all your Walrus Wear Apparel needs.  Secondly, while it was a big day for the Junior Walrus, do note that he was dressed in the orange and blue of his favorite football team.  The good Lord giveth and the good Lord taketh....

UPDATE:  Forgot a Shackelford contribution.  Regular readers have no doubt tired of my running Commissioner Ratched gag.  Shack went a different direction this morning, referring to Commissioner Lepetomane, a reference that went over my head.  Fortunately, we can all refresh our memories:

If, like me, you're trapped at home and bored to distraction, you would ask yourself where did Mel come up with such an unusual name?  Al?  This would seem right up your alley...

It seems that Le Petomane was the stage name of one Joseph Pujol, a famed French...errr, how shall I put it? Perhaps it's better to allow an authoritative source, in this instance Wikipedia, to explain:

Le Pétomane (/ləˈpɛtəmeɪn/, French pronunciation: ​[ləpetɔˈman]) was the stage name of the French flatulist (professional farter) and entertainer Joseph Pujol (June 1, 1857 – 1945). He was famous for his remarkable control of the abdominal muscles, which enabled him to seemingly fart at will. His stage name combines the French verb péter, "to fart" with the -mane, "-maniac" suffix, which translates to "fartomaniac". The profession is also referred to as "flatulist", "farteur", or "fartiste".^[1]

It is a common misconception that Joseph Pujol actually passed intestinal gas as part of his stage performance. Rather, Pujol was able to "inhale" or move air into his rectum and then control the release of that air with his anal sphincter muscles. Evidence of his ability to control those muscles was seen in the early accounts of demonstrations of his abilities to fellow soldiers.

It's the attention to detail that makes this so funny, though I might be putting my family-friendly reputation at risk.  And this is no novelty act, see how he inspired subsequent artists to honor his achievements:

Le Pétomane left an enduring legacy and has inspired a number of artistic works. These include several musicals based on his life, such as The Fartiste (awarded Best Musical at the 2006 New York International Fringe Festival) and Seth Rozin's A Passing Wind, which was premiered at the Philadelphia International Festival of the Arts in 2011. In addition, Le Pétomane was added to David Lee's 2007 reworked revival of the 1953 Broadway play Can-Can, which had originally been written by Abe Burroughs and Cole Porter. The updated play, staged at the Pasadena Playhouse, featured musical theatre actor Robert Yacko as the fartiste, with sound effects provided by the band's trombone and piccolo players. More recently, the re-released works of English toilet humour specialist Ivor Biggun include "Southern Breeze", a song about a "Famous French Farteur" who describes in rhyme a stroll through a farmyard, accompanied by appropriate farting noises.

A Passing Wind indeed....

And just to tie this back to golf, according to David Feherty, who has spent many hours trolling fairways, the No. 1 ranked player in the world is himself an accomplished fartiste.