Unplayable Lies: Flotsam & Jetsam™

I know it's useless to attempt to pry hard-core golf fans away from the dramatic Valspar Championship, so I'll lead with some Maggot-approved content.

It's actually a shame that Innisbrook is played the week between the WGC and Arnie's event, and as a result draws the weakest field of the Florida swing. It's a shame because it's undoubtedly the best of the four courses they play, an opinion I don't hesitate to render despite not having actually played the other three.

Let's start by following up on a couple of yesterday's items:

Scorecards Don't Have Pictures - True that, though to John Daly's regret the same is not true of ShotLink:

The ShotLink graphic of Daly's octuple-bogey 12 at the Par-4 16th yesterday. I count three balls in the water, but that could be low.

The AP's Doug Ferguson quoted our hero in this tweet:

Doug Ferguson ✔ @dougferguson405

Daly: "It was a good 12. I got up-and-down for 12."

12:59 PM - 14 Mar 2014

Daly upped the rhetorical battle by calling Ferguson a jerk in a tweet. He would have been better served to take his time and go with the foolproof Costanza jerk store retort.

Will Gray had this to add about Daly's 90:

Daly hit 10 of 18 greens in regulation at the Copperhead Course, but he did not make a single birdie. Instead, Daly sprinkled his scorecard with five bogeys and three double bogeys, the third of which came on the 18th hole and secured a career-worst score.

I would have guessed more like 3 GIR's, but that's our John. As for the scorecard, it covers the entire visible spectrum, except for whatever color is used for birdies:

Drive for Show - By far the most popular item from yesterday was the Playboy Golf feature, in which I chided Alex Myers for not including any pictures. My bad, I should have known that Golf Digest wouldn't be the best source for a story of this..umm...sensitivity.

Fortunately, celebrity gossip site TMZ has flooded the zone on this story, and we're the beneficiaries. First up, a picture of the rocket scientist unfortunately injured in the stunt:

Playboy model Liz Dickson. That's quite the set of lips, though we're more concerned with her cheeks right now.

I didn't adequately focus on the physics of how her cheeks were struck by the golf club, but suffice it to say that the ball was teed up in a most unusual fashion. I'll refer you to this TMZ item for the graphic details. But in answer to your prayers (at least Maggot's), we have the video:

God, I hate hitting my driver fat, don't you?

Cue the Vuvuzelas - Via Shackelford, comes this most unusual hole in one:

I've no doubt that the best way to grow the game of golf is to play soccer, or something like that. Give him credit, a nice tight draw and a perfect read, though I have a suspicion that's a non-conforming ball.

Mad Libs, Golf Edition - Sam Weinman at Local Knowledge is really pissing me off, as he's proving to be way too funny and not leaving any table scraps for your humble blogger. Today he posts a multiple-choice template for Tiger stories, akin to the Mad Libs that we played during long car trips as kids. An example:

For Woods, ____________ said, the problems began when he ______________ (A. was exposed as a serial philanderer / B. stopped shooting lower scores than other players / C. "coughed up the PGA to that Yang fellow a few years back. What happened to that guy?").

"What's clear is that he needs to go back to ___________ (A. "Butch" / B. "Hank" / C. "wearing mock turtlenecks.").

I might have worked some of our favorite Tigerisms into it, either "It is what it is" or "I just need my reps."

The Auld Mat - The auld sod is a term of affection used by the Irish for their homeland, though I could swear I've heard the Scots use it as well (St. Andrews is often referred to as the Auld Grey Toon). The digression is related to a reader's trip report from Northeastern Scotland posted by our friend David Owens. It's a tad harsh over there this time of year, though David's correspondent Seth Low seemed put off only by having to play off a mat at Carnoustie, in order to preserve the turf.

The mats were only required in the fairways, so Seth preferred to kick his ball into the rough.

Of greater interest to me were the other courses he played, Cullen and Fraserburgh. Both are amongst the long list of local courses that I've had recommended to me but have never played. So many links, so little time. See if you agree based on these pics:

The 13th hole at Fraserburgh, above, and the 1st and 18th holes at Cullen, below.

Seth finishes by recounting a phrase used by a local with whom he played:

I came away with what I hope will be a new addition to my golf lexicon: “hitting into the skink.” I am not sure what it means, but I like the way it sounds.

Elsie, can you translate this into English for us (assuming you're home from Spain)?

Law of Unintended Consequences - Proofreader Al Z. has been tireless in his efforts to clean up the typos and grammatical errors in my posts, though he seems to take the insertion of extra spaces as a personal affront. But proving that no good deed goes unpunished, he has found this ad showing up on web pages:

Well, it can't be the age to which he's reacting.... But golf buddy Colin King got these videos and started smoking the ball, so perhaps Al should reconsider.

Twitter Fun - Golfers have way too much time on their hands, part of which they spend on Twitter and Instagram. Excluding Steve Elkington, most of the time it's all in good fun.

First up, worlds colliding as Rush Limbaugh, Rudy Giuliani and Michelle Wie are paired together in a Pro-Am:

Marvin Shanken, the publisher of the Wine Spectator and Cigar Afficionado fills out the foursome.

Next, a scene from Spring Training:

Unrecognizable in a normal cap, Rickie Fowler takes BP before a Mets-Cardinals game. Rickie tweeted that he didn't even have warning track power. Perhaps Butch can help him there as well...

We showed Victor Dubuisson's cactus-themed wedges a couple of weeks ago. The folks at Titleist haven't lost their sense of humor, making these for Graham DeLaet.