Friday Frisson

I'll save the tragic news for the bottom of this post, so let's dive into the good stuff...

El Tucan Weighs In - Allegedly, that is...  The original source of the story offers this clarification:

OK, I'm pretty sure there are way more than 75 people talking about this, but that's not important now....

At the risk of plagiarizing Shack, and why start worrying about that at this late date, Kooch is vindicated for his truthful reaction:

“It’s wasn’t 10 percent. It wasn’t $3,000.”

As Geoff notes, this is actually far more damning for Kooch, assuming of course that Gillis got it right on his second try:

Of course, $5000 could be viewed as a worse story because that is certainly more than the agreed-upon fee for a week involving a last-minute pickup. But it’s still painfully

The couple in happier times.

little as a fee plus-win-bonus amount.

Because as far as win bonuses go, it’s below the minimum, especially when you had not won in years.

Let’s just say if you’re a waiter and Matt Kuchar is in your section, don’t count a little extra something for the, you know, the effort. Or total consciousness.

I'm the first to tell you that we shouldn't think we know these guys, yet paradoxically there's a part of me that is just refusing to accept that our Kooch could be so miserly.  I also have reservations about the source, but....  For your first win in four years?  Shame on you, Matt*.

* - If true.  I guess this is one of those awkward asterisks of which Jordan spoke.

We also have some follow-ups for you.  The original item above hit on my travel day, and today Shack has this linkage:

Poor Matt Kuchar.

Just when you think the story of your substandard payment to your Tour-event winning

stand-in caddie was about to disappear from headlines, the good folks at the Masters, R&A and USGA had the gall to announce Mayakoba’s El Camaleon GC as the site of the 2020 Latin America Amateur. 

This is the same course where Kuchar won. The news dispelled one mythological view on why Kuchar might have severely underpaid El Tucan after winning last fall’s Mayakoba Classic: because the area is so dangerous that any looper getting a proper 10%-of-$1.3 million-check would be in imminent danger, as would his family.

Apparently, the Five Families don’t agree.

Excuse me, Geoff, that should be alleged substandard payment..... It's an amateur event, so the loopers' expectations should accordingly be lowered.

As a further aside, this event is being played this week at Casa de Campo.  Here's the TV schedule:

Since we didn't get much of a review from Employee No. 2, here's a video of the track:

Back to our Kooch, with this from Alan Shipnuck's mailbag feature:

As a journalist, do you accept, “That isn’t a story” as the final answer on the Kuchar thing? -@zzort8 

Of course not. It’s not the perogative of the athlete — or politician or any other newsworthy figure — to tell a reporter when and how to do his job. If I had been at the Sony I would have pushed Kuchar hard for all of the specifics. The problem with this particular controversy is that the sourcing was and remains shaky: a couple of tweets by a fringe professional golfer who didn’t specify exactly where the information came from quickly led to others passing on various innuendo and stuff they had “heard” through the years, and in the space of a couple of hours Kuchar was tried and convicted in abstentia on Twitter. Of course, he didn’t help himself by offering a non-denial denial when finally confronted by reporters. I hope Tucan will emerge and tell the world exactly what he was paid so we can render a verdict on the fairness of this electronic mob justice and give closure to the grad students who are surely now writing theses on this oddly compelling situation.

More amusingly, that in abstentia trial happened while Kooch was on the golf course...   As to whether Gillis' follow-up meets Shippy's standards of proof, I guess we'll have to await next week's mailbag, though there is this follow-up:

#AskAlan What would you pay an amateur caddie if you won a PGA event? -Paul @GolfFoodAddict 

So this Kuchar-Tucan controversy took on a life of its own. Over the weekend I texted Kooch and called a couple of different spots in Mexico trying to reach the principals but didn’t hear back from either the player or his allegedly aggrieved caddie. In the absence of hard information about this particular situation, I went another route, speaking with four PGA Tour regulars who have each won multiple tournaments. I granted them anonymity so they would speak candidly. All four said that they would not pay 10% of a winner’s check to a fill-in caddie; one of the players said that currently he only pays his full-time caddie 8% of a victory. All four Tour vets echoed a point that Brandel Chamblee tried to make on Twitter: players pay out so much on a victory – $130K or more for four days of work – partly to make whole their regular caddies for all of the missed cuts when they don’t earn a dime. The reasoning follows that since a fill-in caddie hasn’t endured all the suffering they don’t deserve the bloated spoils, either. So what’s a fair number in the Kuchar-Tucan scenario? The players I spoke to offered these bonus numbers: $10K, $25K, $40K and 5%, which would work out to $65K. But we waded into murkier waters when three of the four players mentioned the low cost of living in Mexico, seemingly as an excuse to be stingier. So does that mean they’d pay an American temporary caddie who lives in the U.S. more money for a victory? One of the players – who is top 100 all-time in Tour earnings – let out a hard little laugh and said,”Let’s not get carried away, okay?”

It was never going to be 10%, that was a silly concept...  My top-of-the-head number was $50,000, though I'm not offended by $25,000....  As for $5,000, if true, I'm offended.

Favorite Story of the Day - I am suddenly loving the new rules....  Why, because of the players' reactions.... specifically, this Euro specimen who goes by Gonzo:

Here's the backstory:

Fernandez-Castano opened with an even-par 72 in Abu Dhabi. His shot at Dyson referenced a 2013 incident at the BMW Masters in Shanghai. Dyson, the tournament co-leader, was caught on video using his ball to press down a spike mark on the green in direct line of his short par putt. After reviewing the footage, he was disqualified from the event, which Fernandez-Castano went on to win. 

Later, Dyson attended a hearing at which he was found guilty of a “serious breach” of the tour’s code of behavior. He was fined $49,000 and suspended for two months, though the suspension was deferred for an 18-month probationary period. Dyson released a statement denying that he was deliberately attempting to break the rules. In subsequent interviews, he called the fallout from the incident “the worst moment of my career.”

Hmmmmm, I think we can all agree that that's not a great look for our game, but at least Simon is taking the high road:

But Dyson didn’t take kindly to the slight. “He hasn’t got the f—– balls!!! Sad little man,” he wrote in a tweet that was later deleted. He followed up with several more, though he insisted he wasn’t going to get further involved.

I don't think a single instance of cheating should result in a player being permanently hounded from  polite society, but typically that presumes the offense was committed at a young age and the party shows genuine contrition.  Dyson would have been 35 at the time of the incident, and as for contrition?  Well, that seems in short supply...

Good times for sure.

Scenes From La Quinta - Golf Magazine seems to know that I was on an airplane yesterday:

Here’s what you missed from Round 1 of the Desert Classic

OK, so what did I miss?

1. Phil Mickelson went on a birdie barrage

Though he started the day with a tweet alluding to his rust, Mickelson looked as sharp as ever on Thursday, carding 10 birdies and one eagle en route to a perfectly clean scorecard totaling 60 — one shot shy of the coveted 59. Still, it was the lowest round of his career, and he currently leads his closest competitor, Adam Long, by three shots.

Obviously there's no such thing as a bad 60, though there is this context from Ryan Lavners' game story:

Mickelson again played down his chances in his 2019 debut, but it clicked so well at La Quinta Country Club – the easiest of the three courses in the rotation at the Desert

Classic – that he gave himself a chance to break 60 for the first time in his Tour career. He went out in 30. Then he birdied Nos. 10, 11, 13 and 14. Then came the birdie on 16, and all of a sudden, he realized that he needed to birdie each of the last two holes to finally shoot golf’s magic number. On 17, he tried to hook a sand wedge into a tight pin and left himself 18 feet. He missed low, but still finished with a flourish: With a chance to card the third 60 in his career, he spun a wedge to 10 feet and buried the putt.

Makes perfect sense...  Geoff adds some helpful context to the context, though, with this from George Peper's 1986 book on the Golf Course of the PGA Tour:

At 6911 yards, La Quinta is the longest of the five Hope courses, and with lakes bordering seven of its fairways this tropical layout can be as difficult as it is beautiful.

The other rota courses: Indian Wells CC, Bermuda Dunes, Tamarisk and El Dorado. I swear doesn’t seem like that long ago!

That last bit is Geoff himself, though I can't seem to find Geoff's age via Google.  How old could he have been in 1986?

Now it wasn't all peaches and cream in the desert:

4. Not everyone had a great day 

While the Desert Classic has a history of low scoring, not everyone experienced red numbers. Plenty of players had a tough time on Thursday, most notably Jason Dufner, who suffered five bogeys and three doubles en route to a seven-over-par 79. There’s always tomorrow, Duf!

Dude Wipes hardest hit.

 A Tribute - The story of Celia BarquÍn Arozamena's murder retains its ability to shock, but to celebrate the young woman I highly recommend this Alan Shipnuck profile:

For all of Celia Barquín Arozamena’s spectacular accomplishments — a 3.38 GPA as a civil engineering major at Iowa State, the Big 12 Player of the Year award in 2018 — the 

most special thing about her was the way she made people feel. Nearly every day Celia set aside time from her crammed schedule to handwrite notes to those in need, whether it was a teammate who had missed a big putt or a friend who had whiffed a big test. She would stash the letters in their textbooks or backpacks, and these pick-me-ups were so treasured there are dorm rooms across Iowa State papered with her tidy script. Celia’s heartfelt testimonials at St. Thomas Aquinas church, in downtown Ames, Iowa, often moved fellow believers to tears. She was a nurturer who loved to cook for friends, her go-to dish a Spanish omelet with a recipe imported from her homeland. 

Among the Cyclonitas—Celia’s nickname for her Cyclone teammates at Iowa State, where she first enrolled in the fall of 2014—there is a favorite video of her showily flipping an omelet in the pan, only to splash oil on the stove and ignite a fireball. Displaying the composure of a champion, she slowly tiptoes backward while somehow saving the omelet. Gathered recently on a leather sofa in their lux training facility, the Cyclonitas watch the video yet again, and a couple of them laugh so hard they have to wipe away tears. 

“I have never known anyone who gave so much of themself to so many people,” says the team’s coach, Christie Martens, sitting among them. “It wasn’t just the kind gestures she always did but also the energy she put out into the world.”

What a loss!

More Shippy -  You didn't think we were done milking that mailbag, did you?  First, on that annoying kid:

Has another multiple major winner ever become more unlikable faster than Jordan Spieth? -@DavelLuceyJr 

Brooks? (Cough, cough.) It never fails to interest me how much interest there is in Spieth. He is certainly polarizing, but that’s a good thing – far better to have the golf populace love and hate you in equal measure than to arouse no feelings at all. I can certainly understand why fans are put-off by Jordan’s on-course demeanor, which can come across as whiny and sullen. But I love the fire he has inside and he can be an engaging interview – guarded, yes, but also very smart and analytical. I don’t think he’s unlikeable but can certainly understand where you’re coming from.

I'd like to nominate Vijay, though there's a body of thought that he was never likable to begin with....I'm gonna do something for the very first time, channel my inner Barrack Obama and declare Jordan "likable enough."

The yips have been known to derail careers. Is Jordan Spieth in trouble? #AskAlan -Clay (@FlintHaven) 

One so-so week in Hawaii is not much of a sample size. But I agree that Spieth’s putting will be a big focus of this season…which is not going to help his putting. It’s such a black art, and so mental, that having to dissect his yips or non-yips after every round is going to weigh heavily on Spieth.

 It already is....

How much are you looking forward to listening to Padraig over the next 18+ months ruminate on the psychology which underpins a Ryder Cup captain’s role?-@CianOCallaghan 

Immensely! He always been one of my favorite interviews. I’ll never forget the first time I encountered his beautiful mind, at, strangely, the 2000 Portugal Masters. He was brought into the press tent as one of the leaders and a random Portuguese reporter asked Paddy about a short putt he had missed on the back nine, noting that he seemed to take more time standing over the ball. Harrington gave a brief answer to the insightful question but after the presser he buttonholed the scribe and asked him questions for at least 10 minutes about what he had observed and any other impressions he had of Harrington’s game. It was fascinating theater. And of course in the two decades that have followed Padraig continues to plumb the depths of his psyche like no other golfer. His deep reflections about the exquisite torture of Ryder Cup pressure (and everything else) will be quite a treat in the coming months.

Agreed, though it'll all be on him, because Strick is mostly a blank slate.

Do you expect Augusta National to allow the pin to be left in while players are putting on the greens? Or will we have golf’s equivalent of a Constitutional Crisis between ANGC and the USGA? #AskAlan -@Michael_Feiler 

At this moment, the USGA has not allowed for a local rule regarding the pin situation. That could change, or Augusta could go outside the Rules of Golf and simply issue their own decree, which would be somewhat hokey but, hey, those good ol’ boys have long done whatever they please. But newish chairman Fred Ridley is a traditionalist who spent years as part of the USGA firmament and no doubt he doesn’t want his second tournament at the helm to be overshadowed by yet another rules kerfuffle. All this said, I think the pins will be in at the Masters, which could be a big help on some of those frighteningly fast downhill putts.

According to this, Alan nailed it.  Though I didn't realize that Alan was such a civil liberties freak

To speed play for non-tournament amateur rounds, all groups should agree on the 1st tee that, unless the wind is blowing them sideways, no flagsticks will be removed that day. No questioning everyone on every green. It’s staying in. Period. Thoughts? -Matt (@M_Sand09) 

What is this, North Korea? Our founding fathers (this includes Mike Davis) have granted us certain liberties, and this includes not having some jabroni tell me what to do with the flagstick on the first tee. Now, I agree that a little communication is necessary at times, but imposing your putt-related values on the entire group is going to create a lot of friction, to say nothing of the the coefficent of restitution.

 I'm interested to see how this will play out as well....

Were the USGA and R&A both drunk when they came up with the idea to drop from knee height? The disparity between, say, Mark Leishman and Brian Harman should be taken into consideration. -@DavidBEvan911 

But didn’t that same disparity exist at shoulder height, too? I agree it’s an awkward rule but I don’t think the difference between being 5’6” and 6’3” is a big deal when it comes to taking a drop.

Based upon my day at The Honourable Company, it's safe to assume that the R&A gang has been into the Kümmel, though it makes their judgement even worse if you assume that they were sober.  They just seem blissfully ignorant of the real world....

One more on the rules:

Played my first round of the year. New rules were entirely insignificant except… three minutes is not a very long time to look for a ball. Rather brutal, honestly. Playing a course with actual rough and no forecaddies – this feels almost unfair to amateurs. Thoughts? -@CHFounder 

Hard disagree. If you can’t find it in three minutes it’s either a really crappy shot or you’re massively unlucky. Either way, take your medicine and stop holding up the group behind you. I hate stomping around looking for wayward golf balls. It’s particularly dispiriting when it’s not your ball and you have to pretend to care about a playing partner. I’m all for shortening this torture.

I can see both sides of this, though the penalty is so severe that the additional two minutes seems warranted....  But so few will actually take the walk of shame back to the tee, that it's much ado about nothing.

 I do like this query:

Since its inception, you can pick any year to tee it up in the Clambake. What year do you choose? Anything other than 1956 is clearly the wrong answer. -@MichaelGraham 

Yes, it would have been fun to cruise down 17 Mile Drive and spectate at The Match back in ‘56. But the Hogan win in ’49 would’ve been tasty to witness, or how about 1972, when Jack beat Johnny in a playoff. But as for teeing it up myself, I’d take pretty much any year before 1990, when Cypress Point was still part of the rota and social media didn’t exist so I wouldn’t have to suffer any online hazing.

Seems to this observer that Cypress Point for Poppy Hills is right up there with Nolan Ryan for Jim Fregosi...  Sorry Wally, it was the first bad trade to come to mind.

We finish with some amusingly silly bits:

If you had no other choice, would you rather name your son “Injected Twist Face” or “Epic Flash”??? -BJ (@PowerFader769) 

Dude, I live on the California coast. My kids already go to school with boys named Ocean, Diesel, Skye, Briggadoon and various other exotica. I think Epic Flash Shipnuck sounds kinda dope! 

The Santa Ana and Kona winds are at the same party. Drinks are flowing, some intemperate remarks are made, things escalate and before you know it, they’re throwing. Who do you like, straight-up? -@Lou_TireWorld 

I’ll take Indio, because everything breaks toward his fists.

OK, so now there's no avoiding the bad news, which is that you'll be on your own for a bit.  The bride and I are schedule to make a quick surgical strike to Florida next week, a trip on which I will not be lugging the laptop (which is, at the present moment, relaxing in Utah).  I would expect that the next time I'll be at the keyboard to be a week from today, although with the weather forecast there's also a risk that we'll never leave Westchester County.  So do check in, but it may be a while before we speak again.