'Dis and 'Dat

Sorry, I simply refuse to start with the Striped One....

Phoenix On My Mind - Van Cynical is here to help pump up the volume for this week's event, but even before we get to his 8 reasons he manages to....errr....titillate:

This is not your typical golf tournament. But of course, you already know that. The Waste Management Phoenix Open has always been golf’s biggest, loudest and wildest

party. Also its only party since pro golf isn’t exactly Woodstock. Or even Lilith Fair. 

Even so, I was mildly surprised when I decided to stretch my legs and walk TPC Scottsdale’s back nine on a Tuesday afternoon one year. Two minutes into the exercise -- two minutes! -- I passed a threesome of men behind the luxury suites along the 18th fairway and heard the tallest man ask the others, “Whadda you guys wanna do now? Ti--y bar?” 

I doubt if those words have ever been uttered at the Masters, and certainly not at 3 o’clock on a Tuesday.

Ummmm Gary, anyone that knows the seediness of Washington Road knows that you'd more likely hear that at ANGC, than say at Pebble Beach.  But shall we move on?

OK, his 8 reasons are really 8 iterations of one reason, such as this:

4. Who are these people?

You can write a column just about the weird stuff you overhear on the course from spectators. One man on his phone: “Give my dog a kiss for me.” Another: “Blah-blah-transvestite-blah-blah…” A group of eight or nine guys dressed up in wildly-designed Loudmouth slacks and posed for pictures with spectators on request. A group of formal teens arrived practically prom-ready, the guys in suits and bowties and the girls in sun-dresses. Part of the fun, apparently, is calling attention to yourself. You probably already know about that if you’re on Facebook.

 He also recycles this story that's too good to fact check:

The Bird’s Nest is behind player Kenny Perry’s oft-told story about checking into a local hotel and being asked by the desk clerk if he was playing in the tournament. He confirmed that he was and the woman replied, “Oh, I love the Phoenix Open. I go every night!”

This from his opening 'graph pretty much sums it up:

The Waste Management Phoenix Open has always been golf’s biggest, loudest and wildest party. Also its only party since pro golf isn’t exactly Woodstock. Or even Lilith Fair.

Blimpus Interruptus -  How sad is this, from Golfweek's Forecaddie (don't blame me for the crude screenshot, the page doesn't allow for excerpts):

So it'll feel like the Masters?  Joking aside, the blimps have become an integral part of the coverage, only a portion of which can be captured by fixed wing aircraft.  

Two things before we move on.  Don't miss this Facebook Live video of Bubba and Mark Wahlberg playing the 16th in the ProAm.  It's a fun inside the ropes peak at the mayhem and, spoiler alert, with Bubba providing the play-by-play, Marky (off the) Mark hits the dreaded hosel rocket.....Go ahead, you know you want to look.

Lastly, I'll refer you to this Peter Burkowski feature on the evolution of the event from a year ago.  Well worth a few minutes of your time....

Dubai-Bye - Your humble correspondent was in wind-down mode last evening, when I flipped to Golf Channel.  At that moment they were showing Tiger on the range in preparation for his opening round in Dubai, speculating as to whether his glutes would activate and other pressing issues.  I gave a brief thought to taping the coverage, then decided that I'd suffered enough.

I awoke to this header:

Tiger Woods struggles in Dubai, shoots 77 in first round

Thud!  Let's see, we were excusing last week because of the cold, the thick rough and/or that Torrey South is a brute, none of which applies here.  

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (AP) -- Missing fairways, missing greens and piling up

the putts, Tiger Woods got off to a rough start at the Dubai Desert Classic. 

The 14-time major winner finished the first round with a 5-over 77, failing to record even one birdie on Thursday at the Emirates Golf Club. 

"Well, I didn't hit the ball very well," said Woods, a two-time champion in Dubai. "I left probably about 16 putts short. I just couldn't get the speed of these things, and consequently, it added up to a pretty high number." 

At the halfway stage of the first round, Woods had the second worst score among those who finished. Sergio Garcia was the early leader at 7-under 65.

No birdies?  On that golf course?  There were a few 78's from the afternoon wave, when presumably the wind picked up a bit.  And the noted Ahmed Marjan posted a 79....

Should we start with the good or bad news?  Trick question, as there's none of the former:

Strong wind was forecast for Friday, making the prospect of picking up some strokes in the second round a bit difficult. 

"Hopefully, this wind blows tomorrow and I shoot a good round and get back to even par now. That's certainly not out of the realms," Woods said. "But I have to go out there and do it. I have to go out there and execute and it's going to be tough and hopefully it is tough and I can play a really solid round and give myself more looks."

Tiger's problem is that he'll go in the afternoon, when the wind would logically be at its peak.  More importantly, wind is the greatest test of golf skill, because if you don't flush it you put additional spin on the ball, with which the wind plays havoc.

Tiger flew commercial to Dubai, so one assumes the trip home is the same.  Adding insult to injury will be the $200 change fee from his airline to move the reservation from Sunday to Friday evening.  Unless, of course, he wants to stay around to watch his buddy Sergio....

Before we get to the carnage, Tiger shared his swing thought with us earlier in the week:

"The simplest thing is I just play away from pain," Woods said. “Whether my swing looks classic, rhythmical or it may look unorthodox, I don’t care. As long as I don’t feel

that nerve pain.

"Anyone in here who has ever had nerve pain in their back or anywhere in their spine, it’s like hitting your funny bone a thousand times a day. It’s just not fun. I would much rather not have to go through that again.”

Back pain is crippling, so I don't want to be flippant about it....  But he tells us that he hasn't experienced that pain in the three events he's now played, and he felt good enough to spend 17 hours flying across the world chasing an appearance fee...

John Huggan with the details on said carnage:

It wasn’t all about misdirection with the irons though. Again displaying a disquietingly cautious gait and a stiff and ungainly finish to his supposedly “pain-free” swing, Woods

struggled to make any real headway on a day when he only rarely strung more than one or two good shots together. Almost every hole was marked by mistakes that turned birdie chances into pars and pars into bogeys. 

There was a half-thinned pitch from hard pan to the (almost reachable) par-4 second. Three from the back edge of the par-5 third green provoked a loudly audible four-letter oath that at least confirmed a continuing passion for improvement. And the weak approach to the sixth green, off a long and straight 316 yard drive that actually split the often-elusive fairway, betrayed the lack of penetration that currently marks Woods’ shots. Inevitably, three-putts followed. 

Ironically, the best putt Woods holed all day came on the 18th (his ninth), albeit it was a 12-footer for bogey after an unscheduled visit to the water in front of the putting surface. But the biggest smile of the day belonged to Woods’ playing partner, 22-year-old Matt Fitzpatrick. Competing alongside his boyhood hero for the first time, the young Englishman was positively giddy after completing his own round of 69

There's no blogging manual to consult to know how much time we should give him to get back in fighting shape, but it doesn't seem that any aspect of his game is Tour standard.  

Earlier in the week he got a vote of confidence from a knowledgeable source:

While Woods missed the cut at Torrey Pines, a place he’s won eight times at as a professional, McIlroy said he saw some good signs. 

“If you look at his backswing, where he’s taking the club away, where he’s putting the club at the top of the swing, it’s really good,” McIlroy said. “It’s so on plane. And if he can just get his lower body to work a little bit better through the ball, he’s right there. He’s so close. … He’s closer than people think, I can assure you that.”

Perhaps Rory should have left it there:

McIlroy also said he believes Woods’ start this week in Dubai will be “a much better gauge of how he’s playing.”

Thud!

Or we could just blame it all on his mother:

Every son might love getting a call from his mom, but not at 2 a.m. That’s when Tiger’s mother, Kultida, called him for a wee chat. Oops! 

“I’m feeling pretty good. I’m tired,” Woods said. “My mom called me about 2 in the morning last night and woke me up, and asked me how I was doing. I said, ‘Mom, you realize there’s a nine-hour time difference?’ And so I’ll get a good rest this afternoon and be ready for tomorrow.”

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish....

Oh, one last note, Marky Mark isn't the only guy shanking it... and this one has his name on his golf bag.

Shot And A Beer - OK, I lied just the former.... A fun piece on mostly second-tier players sharing the greatest shot they ever saw played.  It's mostly shots no one remembers, with the exception of Seve's car park shot at Lytham.  I'll share this one that I do remember:

JAMES HAHN

The greatest shot I ever saw was one that almost beat me. It was Dustin Johnson at Riviera in 2015. It was the first playoff hole, No. 10, a [drivable] par 4. DJ's tee shot goes into greenside rough: thick lie, bad angle, over a bunker, and he had to stop it quickly. I tell my caddie, "No way he gets this inside 10 feet." He did. He hit it high, a soft bunker-style swing that somehow checked to three feet. There's a lot more to DJ than his power.

Spoiler alert, more Phil than Tiger....

Silly Stuff - A few oddball items that might tickle your funny bone:

Watch Jon Rahm replicate the awkwardly upright swing of Bryson DeChambeau.

Golf Digest has a slideshow of  The seven most terrifying par 3s on the PGA Tour.  Amusingly, none of the animal-themed Florida Par-3's make the list...

Do you remember Omar Uresti?  If so, you need to get out more....  But he's now most famous for being the guy paired with Tiger when the latter made his ace at No. 16 back in 1997.  Omar shares this with us:

A few lines stick out, including Uresti admitting to getting a little cocky after going first and hitting his shot tight: 

"Unfortunately, I made the mistake of thinking to myself, 'let's see you hit it closer than that.'"

Admittedly it'd be funnier if have verbalized it....  other good stuff there, including another missed high-fives by Tour pros.... Thank God they didn't try for a chest bump.

Who knew?  Apparently, Hideki Matsuyama can throw a filthy curveball

If you haven't seen this, it's pretty funny (you might want to lower the volume though) - Watch toddler lose his mind after Jon Rahm sinks his winning eagle putt